Religion, Now in the Fiction Section.

I am agnostic. At least I think I am. I would believe in a religion, if there was one that made sense to me. Religion was created as a means to control the population from stealing and doing bad things -after all, who would want to spend all of eternity damned to hell?

If there really was a god, or gods, where is/are he/her/they? Why do innocent people suffer? Why do young lives get taken away? If he is immortal why can't he pass on that immortality to some of us here on earth? How do we know that if there was a god that he did not die? If the Messiah is coming why is it taking him so long? If heaven is in the sky, why can't we visit? Why does prayer not work when you pray day and night for something to happen or change?

And, if there are so many different religions, Catholicism, Islam, Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, etc. how can only ONE of them be right? In theory, if I am a catholic and believe I am going to heaven, that means that all my jewish and muslim friends have been wasting their time. And, if thats the case, does that mean that I won't see any of my hindu friends in heaven? What about pets? They aren't baptisized, so if you go to heaven what happens to your dog?

And if the Hindus are correct, and we reincarnate, I ask why? Why go through many different lives relearning high school and college only to have to do it all over as someone else entirely?

How can people believe in something they cannot see? Shouldn't there be some sort of proof for the die hard believers? The people who devote their lives to prayer and church? Can't god send them a message on their ipods or something?

Plus, people are such hypocrites. They go to church every week, read the bible and pray. But then they go cheat on their wives, steal from friends or commit crimes. Their solution? Go to confession, and ask the Lord for forgiveness.

Muslim people cannot eat pork, or have premarital sex. Why should someone be sent to hell if they ate a pork chop or slept with their boyfriend?

And if heaven were SO great, why would we continue to suffer here on earth, why not just kill ourselves as soon as possible, so we can die young and live out eternity floating on clouds. How would it even be possible for our souls to continue? Once the brain stops, all thoughts and functions within us cease. How would a soul "find its way to heaven"?

To tell you the truth, I wished I did believe in a religion and a wonderful god. I see the benefit, if you are scared, or someone you know is suffering, you are comforted by the fact that god will soon take care of them and they will be in heaven; free of pain. If there is a crisis, you believe that god will answer your prayers and provide a miracle. Religion gives people hope and keeps them unified.

Cold is the new Hot

Why is it suddenly cold outside and inside? I live in NY, where its cold most months out of the year. You would expect to find warmth and comfort by being inside. Not so anymore. And its not just that places are saving on heating costs, they are turning on the ACs!

Everytime I go to the movies, I can't take my coat off and need to bring another pair of socks with me. Why am I shivering while watching a movie?

At work, I have a heater on my desk, blowing directly at me- (which is probably not the best thing in the world) otherwise I would be falling asleep.

Anytime I go to Atlantic City, ALL of the hotels keep the AC on..you can actually feel the air blowing on you. In the casino, in the lobby, hallways and guest rooms. Atlantic City is full of old people! Some of who already have ailments and I'm sure don't want their fragile bones freezing. Why should I have to be bundled up to be on a slot machine?

And the buses that take you to the casinos are the worst. I was wearing a hoody, jacket, 2 pairs of socks, and was still freezing. Airplanes are always horrendous as well. I really think it gets to be -20 degrees in some of these planes. I literally need to wear a scarf over my face.

The only place I can ever count on to be warm is the subway (thank god) and Target. I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to have people walk around with cold noses and hands indoors. What benefit can that possibly have for someone? Is this some sort of new trend I am not yet up on?

Its WINTER.....we use heat in the winter!!!!

Signed, freezing fingers

Seeking Vampire for Immortality

We are all perpetual renters. Even if we buy a house or car, these things are never truly ours. Even our bodies and faces aren't ours. When we die, our houses and cars go to a family member. All of our possessions get divided up, or thrown out. The albums it took you years to create can be tossed out in a second.

As we age, we get wrinkles, grey hair and a host of other things we did not ask for. When we die, our tattoos, piercings and uniqueness die with us. Viruses and disease can attack and take over your body, and there's not much you can do about it.

All of your stuff is someplace else, while your body and mind are forever gone. People also replace us in their lives. They get new spouses or friends. They have someone else to take out to your favorite restaurant. They will always remember you but you won't be there to share any of the special moments.

What is it all for if it all ends so soon? Why do we spend our lives trying to attain perfection and happiness only to rot away? Why do we form everlasting bonds of friendship and love if they get taken away from us?

If I knew the answer was because we are all going to heaven, then i wouldn't mind so much. But in that case, why do you usually go alone? And if it really existed, what if you re-married? Who would you spend eternity with, your old lover or new one?

Life is fucked. No matter how much you think you are in control, you never fully are.

Drug Free USA

Why does the USA make "prescription" drugs so hard to get? You have to go to your doctor, pay a co-payment and possibly get a referral to a specialist, only to pay him and run a myriad of tests just to get a script that you have to take to a pharmacy, fill out more info, wait for an hour, then pay and finally have your meds. Yes, a lot of drugs are dangerous or controlled substances. Controlled substances should require ID and a log of why/how many times you are buying them. But as for the danger part, all drugs have warnings on them. Pick up any drug in your house, Tylenol, pepcid ac and they will all list overdose warnings, who should NOT take the medicine and possible side effects.

As a smart consumer, I always adhere to dosage recommendations. If I was really dumb, I could off myself by swallowing 200 Advil tablets, or drinking poison. Canada has a lot of online pharmacies, why don't we? I mean they make it so hard here to get birth control, and wonder why there are so many teenage pregnancies. If a teenager could readily buy birth control pills, I'm sure there would be a lot less.

I could buy drugs online, but it is a little scary with all the stories of people marketing fake pills, or lower dosages. Plus, the online companies won't take any form of insurance. Not a problem for about 1/2 of the medicine I have been prescribed, insurance only covers certain things. If all I want is a godamned skin cream, why can't I just buy it?

But the FDA warns against "sharing" prescription drugs. That is so absurd! I mean if I have acne, and I use a friends prescribed acne cream, the worst that would happen is that I could get a rash or other allergic reaction. But umm gee that could happen to my friend who it was prescribed for, too. The FDA puts ridiculous regulations on drugs, Tazorac is a popular acne medicine that has also been found to keep the skin youthful. Yet dermatologists are not allowed to prescribe this for anything but acne. WHY? You can get an Rx for trentoin, which if used daily can cause redness and peeling, so why not tazorac?

It is ridiculous that medications that are so commonly used are Rx only, like ones for allergies, acne and various other skin conditions. Zyrtec used to be Rx only, and it was such a bitch to keep getting refills, it was also very expensive. Then within a year, it was available at my local Walgreen's, in a HIGHER dosage that I had been getting thorough the doctors. The OTC version is cheaper, stronger and helps me much more than the Rx version did.

Once again, America is not the land of the free. If we were free to make our own decisions we could decide what medicines we should take/not take. Don't get me wrong, there are certain things that would absolutely require you to visit a doctor first. You would not take asthma medicine if you suspected you had asthma, you would first get it confirmed by a doctor.

And You Thought Backhands Were Only Used in Tennis

My sister in law was telling me a funny story about a backhanded complement someone gave her, and it got me thinking about stuff people have said to me over the years. Do people use their brains to speak anymore or do they just open their mouths, start moving their lips and hope for the best?

I really hate when your "friends" group you into the same category they are in (or think they are in). After a night of hanging out, one of my friends said this to me:" I'm so glad my new friends are the same level of pretty as I am. I'm not ugly, and I'm not gorgeous either, we are all equally pretty". Yes, my friend was pretty - also not gorgeous. But who tells their friends they are not gorgeous?

I was walking with an acquaintance to get coffee and she made a statement about these immature men in their twenties she works with. She then went on to say " ...I mean wait till they are our age"...what?? Since when have I aged 10 yrs for fucks sake? One other time, I was telling her how a guy at the Post Office said I looked like Kristen Chenowich (sp?). My friend says "oh WE look nothing like her!" WHAT? Since when am I short and fat with bad hair and skin? I am short and have boobs, so I think thats what the guy meant.

Recently, I was in CVS after work. I was at the self-scanners and the store greeter came up to me to make sure I was OK. He said "Oh...you is beautiful, is perfect. Maybe not for everyone, but for me, its perfect". SO even in broken english, he was telling me that while he thought I was "perfect" of course, not every guy would think so.

Then there are also random people who say things like "oh don't you wish you could wear that"- ummm..sometimes I DO wear that.

People really have an overinflated sense of self these days. You do not look better and are not smarter than 99% of the population, or you would be famous.

OMG- I wonder how Megan Fox is so pretty!

Get a clue people!!!!I am so tired of hearing comments *(from women and men) that go something like this:

"Wow, Jessica Simpson has GREAT hair. I wonder what shampoo she uses"
(ummm..it doesn't really matter. She has personal hairdressers and wears hair extensions.)

"Beyonce's body is banging."
(She eats like a bird, and works out for hours a day with a personal trainer)

"Jennifer Lopez looks so good after having had TWINS"
(She was underweight to begin with. She has 7 nannies watching her kids while she is off at the gym and her personal chef is preparing her meals)

"Courtney cox does NOT look likes shes in her forties"
(She gets botox and restylane injections, is annorexic, looks as if shes had a facelift and has probably using retin A since she was 10)

"America Ferrera is kinda fat"
(No, shes not. Stand next to Miley Cyrus and I dare anyone not to look "fat")

"Nicole Kidman has great skin because she uses sunscreen daily"
(first of all, she looks like an alien, and no sunscreen alone cannot give you GREAT skin at 40+ yrs old)

"I wish I was as beautiful and exotic looking as Jessica Alba"
(without makeup and great hair, she would look like any skinny woman walking down the street)

In short, celebrities look younger and better (for the most part) than your average person. They have personal chefs, trainers, stylists and hairdressers. They don't eat much, are pampered, wear wigs, get collagen and botox and facelifts and in person, are severly underweight. If we had unlimited funds, and time, we would all look this good too.

Have you ever seen celebs without makeup? Some look horrible- makeup really does magic when it done by a professional and can also be lit and airbrushed to further perfection. I just hate when guys compare women celebrities to the average woman, or when average women compare themselves to stars.

If you buy revlon, you will not magically transform into Halle Berry. If you use a diet pill, it will not slim you down like Khloe Kardashian. If you buy Jessicas Simpsons hair extensions, you will not look like her. If you use Proactiv, you wont have gorgeous skin like Alicia Keys'. If you wear perfume by JLO, you won't magically attract every guy in the room, if you practice Kaballah you will not look like Madonna when you are 60, if you use the same exact makeup that Megan Fox used on her last photo shoot, you will not look even REMOTELY like her.

But all my friends have seen it!

Why are movies such as Iron Man and Transformers rated pg-13? Oh, because they have bad words and simulated sex? Yes, they do- but why? Go to Target and you will see Transformers lunch boxes, bed sheets and toys. So you buy your kid a Transformers lunch box and he can't even watch the movie! There is no reason there HAS to be adult content in these movies, if the movie was good enough us adults would like it anyway.

We recently got "17 Again" for my step daughter because it stars Zac Effron of "High School Musical". I forgot to look at the MPAA rating before I added it to my queue, and it was pg-13! What 10 year old girl doesn't want to watch a movie with a Disney Channel star in it? My husband and I ended up watching it. At least I thought it was good.

Why not make 2 versions of popular movies? A "real" one and an edited version that removes all bad words/sex scenes/suggestive themes? Sometimes there is no necessity for said content in a movie. Would I have rather watched an action movie of robot fighting with funny undertones, or would I rather wonder how far up Megan Fox's shorts will go? Hmmmm...what is the movie supposed to be about again?

Think about it, how many times does your kid pressure you to watch a movie that is too mature for them? If we had 2 versions of everything, your kids could watch twilight (you know they want to!) and all the superhero/action movies. Its bad enough I would never, ever want my step daughter to see a music video with all the boob jiggling and butt shaking in front of some guy with 10 platinum chains around his neck, but I find it really sad that I can't watch Transformers or 17 Again with her.

Coming soon to a theatre near you! Rated WCWKWTS for who cares what kids want to see, I'm rating this pg-13, bitches!

Dear President Obama- I have the solution to our Nations deficit

Dear President Obama:

I would like to address the deficit issue that has been plaguing Americans for far too long. Donald Trump had a great idea a few years back when he was thinking of running for President. Allocate a certain payment amount from the wealthiest Americans. But that wouldn't have worked, because those people were not responsible for taking the deficit to astronomical levels.

I think I may have a solution. A way to pay down the deficit and pump more money back into our society, schools, hospitals and community programs. Pittsburgh just passed a public urination/defication law. They propose fining $500 to any offenders, unless (and this is not likely) they get prior permission to do so.

Mr. Obama, I implore you- walk down the streets of New York City at ANY hour. You will find countless men urinating on peoples gardens, in the subways, parks, on school walls and parking lots. Some of these animals don't even try to hide- which makes it not only disguisting and unsanitary but public lewdness. I once witnessed a man urinating in the parking lot of the Brooklyn Aquarium behind a car. My daughter was with me to witness this. ANd- it wasn't even HIS car- when he was done he walked a few steps down and got into his vehicle. Had there been security or police, he could have been fined and that would have been an extra $500 in our pockets.

You could have a special taskforce of auxillary cops patrolling nightclubs, bars and public parks. Arm them with tickets and a camera. Perhaps start a website of known offenders. I am sure people would think twice if they had to give up a substancial amount of money and be subjected to humiliation.

And, I am not talking about only homeless people here. I am talking about PIGS who are too lazy - especially in NYC - after coming out of a bar and drinking a gallon of beer, to walk back to said bar to use the bathroom. So they say F it, and laugh...and proceed to urinate on peoples property. I am talking about doctors, financial analysts, college students and probably even men you know.

In New York alone, I predict within a few years we could cut the deficit in half. Pass a law that will fine people $500 for the first offense, and have it go up $100 more for each subsequent offense. I want NY and America to be a safe place for our kids. How about bringing some DIGNITY back into our society?

Thank you,

Me

Free Fake Porn!!!

I probably will get flamed for this, but am I the only one who thinks True Blood on HBO is a porno marketed as a "show"? There is hardly any plot line, They talk, go to a bar..have sex, more sex...oh look full frontal fake tits. Ummm gee...I wonder WHY the show has SUCH high ratings! Please, if it were the vampire craze men would be into twilight too. There was a poll done that said True Blood has more "gratuitous nudity" than any other show in history. Even one of my (straight) MALE coworkers who is an avid fan agreed that it has way too many sex scenes. But I guess if you took away the sex scenes we would be left with 10 minutes of actual story. So now, thanks to HBO, people can watch porn. But say that they don't.

Whats next? IS HBO gonna start making off Broadway hits in cabaret clubs? Oh we simply must go to Hustler tonight. I hear that new 21 year old in it is FABULOUS dear!

Really HBO? Can't you figure out how to make a series NOT based on T&A? Or how about showing some REAL women in your nude scenes? Saggy boobs and imperfect stomachs. And hellllooo... If all the women are full frontal why not the men?

Why not just rename this monstrosity "Blood and Boobs"?

Freedom is Slavery, Slavery is Freedom

I thought America was supposed to be the land of the free, land of opportunities. Have you checked your credit report lately?

Its AMAZING that we have all these large banks and automakers that accumulated so much debt, and our government bailed them out. Billions of dollars. Yet, if we, as citizens struggling to pay for our living expenses make ONE mistake, it can stay with us for many, many years.

I am ranting because I just got denied for an Old Navy Store card. Are you fucking kidding me? I said Old Navy, not AMEX Black.. I have THREE credit cards in GOOD standing, always make full payments and have never been late. I have 3 delinquent accounts that have been paid off and CLOSED - most of them 6 years ago. I know for a FACT that people with lower credit scores than I have gotten approved and now have the card.

Talk about technologically retarded - if you want to contact the credit bureaus, there is no email, no live chat, only a phone number where no live person ever answers. OR - you can MAIL them a letter. Every time I check my report I have had a middle initial that wasn't mine or an address I've never lived in. Nice. Glad to know the agencies that basically control our lives are at least accurate.

You can get this info free once a year on annualcreditreport.com, but again, they are so behind that most times the report is not available to you online so you have to mail proofs along with a letter stating you would like them to mail you your report. Holy Shit - and after all this, they don't even let you view your credit score. Nope, that's an additional charge. You would think the 2 things that dictate whether you can buy a car, get a mortgage or business loan or additional credit should be available to us free, all year, as many times as we want. It is OUR information, not theirs.

All three credit reporting agencies, Experian, Equifax and Transunion all have different information. Whats closed on one will be listed as open on another. The thing is, you never know which one someone will use when they try to verify your credit.

I have a checking account, savings account, 401 K, credit cards, pay my bills on time, work full time, have been with the same firm for 10 years and make a decent salary, have never declared bankruptcy or defaulted on a mortgage, AND am a US CITIZEN yet I am not credit worthy.

I am so frustrated with the whole economy I would love to go back to straight up cash. With cash, there are no late charges, no finance charges, no bounced check fee, no overdrafts or per check fees. You just have to keep it secure.

But of course, the government will consider you "hoarding cash" and not putting that cash flow back into our economy. They consider this illegal. Walmart employees can no longer opt to get a paper check; if they do not wish to get direct deposit they will be issued a debit card with their payments on it.

Why isn't there a better system in place? How about an agency that will actually work WITH us to resolve our credit issues and take other factors into consideration. If President Obama cares so much about helping out the citizens of the United States, besides health care and education reforms, we need a credit reform act for the people. How are people supposed to take advantage of the new home buyer tax credit if they can't even secure a freakin loan?

One Length Does Not Fit All

OK whatever happened to diversity? I know I live in NYC, but we are not ALL 5'10 giraffe models. Look around, we have one of the biggest Latino and Asian populations anywhere.

I was in Gap and Express recently; browsing, and Gap just stopped making their pants in short sizes. I don't get it-the stores do this every couple of years. They carry short sizes for years, stop, then in another few months carry them once again. Short people don't go away, so why are our sizes suddenly missing?

Express now only has a limited selection of theirs in short. YET they have almost everything in a 'tall'. I can get black or beige, but if I want pinstripe or gray, nope sorry. Are they trying to tell us short folks that we shouldn't wear certain colors or designs?

And when I complain to the store managers, their only response is "Sorry, but you can always buy these and have them altered". Yes. I could. But why should I have to pay more? If I were a size 14 I wouldn't have to pay more, and theres more fabric involved. I should be paying LESS, since they don't need as much fabric.

There is discrimination everywhere. I bought my wedding dress in David's bridal, and noticed they charged more money for the SAME dresses in plus size. What kind of crap is that? If that made any sense, a size 4 would pay more for her dress than a size 2, and so on.

And what about men? I have seen men's pants in ALL different lengths, not even just short and tall, but anywhere from 30'' and up. Do men vary more in size than women do?

Covering up to be Free

I have often thought that countries like Afghanistan who make their women cover up were so repressive. The women wear head to toe black, long sleeved affairs with a head scarf and some have only a screen for their eyes. They have no self expression.

However, I thought about how life might be in the US if we were forced to do such a thing. We wouldn't have to worry about what to wear every day, we could just have 20 of the same outfits and wash them everyday. There would be no bad hair! Who would know (other than your husband) if you had frizzy, red, gray or thinning hair. You would save so much time and effort on makeup. Wrinkles and pimples would be easily concealed. There would be no more competition. Women wouldn't get hired or get dates simply because of their appearance. Men wouldn't be so preoccupied with porn, checking out women with shorts up to THERE, they would get more done at work since there would be like zero distractions, there would be less instances of cheating due to a lower temptation level and women would be left alone without crude comments from men. You would never hear someone whispering behind your back "Ugh, what is she wearing"? Unless perhaps your outfit was torn and raggedy.

What freedom it would be to wake up, wash your face, brush your teeth, take a shower, throw on your usual black ensemble and hit the road, with no worry of looking weird. I suppose this wouldn't work too well; you would be sweaty all the time and you would also look the same in every picture you ever took. Plus I would miss going shopping.

Justify your Thug

My hub had a great idea. They really should come up with a movie called "The 40 Year Old Thug". There are so many clueless guys running around NYC so let me help you out.

You might be a 40 year old thug if:

*You are over 30 and hang out in the park with teenagers.

* You speak like a kid (what dawg, nah SON), meanwhile you work in corporate and have a wife and probably some kids.

*You wear Jordans and smoke blunts in your spare time.

* You write grafitti and have a tag name.

* You hit on any "woman" over 14, even your daughters friends.

*You still watch MTV and can tell us all about the latest Lil Wayne video.

*You hang out on street corners on the weekends calling out to women passing by, trying to figure out where you can score weed.

* You urinate on the street after you are done drinking your 40s.

* You carry around a boost mobile and ask your "boyz" "where u at".

*You go to clubs and act like a drunk fool, always manage to start a fight with someone, and order some "Goose" for your table.

*You are usually abusive and disrespectful to women, even your own "girl".

*You are an aspiring rapper, dj or entrepeneur.

*You are broke ass and live in a crappy apartment, possibly with your mom, meanwhile you have all the latest ps3 games and gear.

*You can't afford a Benz (what with the price of weed these days) so you get a used Maxima and put 22 inch rims and a system in it. All the better to call out to the "shorties".

*You don't have a checking account, you just cash your check so you can flash all your dollars for all to see.

*Your idea of fun is hitting up the Puerto Rican parade and Colombian Fest and seeing how many numbers you can score.

* You hang out in strip clubs and throw money away on drinks and lap dances, then ask your "girl" for money.

* You sport or have thought about getting fronts.

* You don't see your kids cause you are a "parent who still parties"

* You have 5 different kids from 5 different women and have never been married.

* Your idea of a fancy date night is Sizzler.

Role Models

How many men around the world grew up watching baseball? I always thought a ballplayer was a nice role model for a kid, someone who practiced for hours, got beat up in the process and made a (very lucrative) career of his lifelong dream.

But have you actually watched the players? Do they NOT realize they are being filmed, like constantly? The guys chew sunflower seeds and spit all over the floor any time they want. They also adjust (and scratch-gross!) their junk. They pat each other on the asses, and their uniforms get filthy.

The ironic thing is, MOST baseball players have a ton of female crushes. A-Rod, Jeter, etc. can get pretty much any woman in the world, and they are envied for this fact. They can have publicized affairs, and women would still want to date them. Even the very ugly ones.

Is it any wonder there are so many men out there who are disillusioned? Men who think they are good looking even though they look as good as a dirty coffee cup? Men who urinate on the street like animals and think they are classy? Men who have girlfriends and tell you they are single? Ugly men who lust after beautiful women and turn down nice sweet ones? Men who cheat on faithful, pretty women because they "can"?

Ladies, if you are having bad luck with men, try finding one who isn't into sports. Luckily, my hub loves sports but is also smart enough not to be influenced by celebrity role models.

Sexy Apples?

So Apple decided to add a porn app for the iPhone. For only $2, you can download this app and look at various naked women, and you must also rate each picture. WTF- this is a company that banned an e-book app because it could be used to download the Kama Sutra. Which is at least educational in a sense.

Now I am going to have to sit next to these pervs on the subway, buses, trains and in restaurants. Who am I kidding- probably at work too. If I sit next to one of these jerk offs, it won't be pretty, in fact- it will be sexual harrasment and I will start a petition and perhaps a lawsuit. There is a time and place for everything. Don't get me wrong- this would be a fine app if it were for the personal computer. People can do whatever they want at home. But the iPhone is a portable device that goes everywhere with its owner. Boundaries, people!

And, when you download the app it asks if you are over 17- yes Apple, that will keep all the kiddies away. How would you feel if your daughter sat next to some random guy on the bus who was not only looking at hot asians (one of the categories) but also RATING them? Fantastic message about a woman's worth. Or how would you feel if you forgot to hide your iPhone and your kids are wondering why there are naked women on daddy's phone?

I can only hope this is a ploy by Apple to get all the no-ass-getting guys in the world to run out and buy iPhones so they can look at porn on the go. And after their sales go up 80%, they pull the app from the market. Suckers!!!

When they say close to restaurants boy do they really mean it!

I am always amazed when I look at property listings. Sometimes the photo is a picture of the bathroom, the front of the building, or even the toilet bowl. That toilet bowl is so awesome who cares what the rest of the place looks like! Here is a listing for a 2 bedroom in Astoria:

- 2 Nice Bedrooms ( 1room=12x15) (room2=10x12) \ Big windows -Bright and Spacious apartment

- Features Gorgeous Harwood floors and beautiful separated kitchen and livingroom

- Separated Eating Kitchen with Plenty of cabinets Space

- This is great Location just few blocks from the train

- Close to all stores, Super markets, Cafes, movie theatre and restaurants , gyms ( New Nork Sport Club )

- Heat and Hot Water Included plus the rent is stabilized

My Civic Duty

People who hate being summoned for jury duty must really love their job. I got called in last year and didn't know what to expect. You can wear jeans and you have anywhere from one to 5 days off work. The train ride to Jamaica Queens was much shorter and emptier than my ride into midtown. Sure the first hour was arduous, filling out forms, laughing at all the people who've no idea how to fill them out, sitting in a large room with a bunch of strangers, listening while the guy up front told us what to do.

The only thing you have to remember is to pay attention for your name. That's it, really. I brought books and magazines, there were computers with free internet, you were able to talk on your cell phone and they played movies for us. Plus, they let us take all the coffee/cigarette breaks we wanted, all we had to do was sign out and not be gone for more than 15 minutes at a time.

Also, it is SO easy to get out of most cases once your name is called. They called me for a medical malpractice case, which would have had me in court for a month (which I SERIOUSLY considered- it would be great not to have a real job for part of the summer!!). I told them I once went to an affiliate hospital that treated me very badly, so I would no doubt side with the plaintiff. This was actually true though.

I never got called again, had an hour lunch break, talked on the phone, checked my email, read 2 books and watched "A Perfect Storm" and "Mrs. Doubtfire". I met some interesting people and it was nice to feel you could have so much fun with something that is required of every citizen.

I got to go home at 4, and was really sad when the guy handed me a slip that stated I would not be contacted for another 6 years. I took the train to a stop before I was supposed to get off, and walked the rest of the way home thinking all the funny characters I met today were a nice change from the normal characters I see everyday.

Who are you smoking?

I recently returned from Grand Cayman with Hub. GC is a gorgeous island, almost no poverty, and very clean. Seven Mile beach is gorgeous and the Marriott on the beach was too good to be true. Tortuga Rum Cake is about the best cake I have ever tried- there are all different flavors, banana was my favorite and their rum is fantastic. I tried mango- you didn't need to add anything to it. We had jerk chicken, ginger beer, red beans and rice, stews, and spice cake- it was a lot of fun trying the local cuisine. I always look for the unusual. What surprised me most was going to the gas station to buy water and seeing these behind the counter:

Yes, Yves Saint Laurent cigarettes! Who knew there were designer cigs? Ugh you smoke Marlboros? Why shop at Target why you can shop at Bergdorf's?

Where am I?

Here is an email I was cc'd on from the front desk today. I thought they wrongly included me and instead meant a coworker whose name also starts with A. Please note all names have been changed.

____________________________________________________________________

From: Front Desk
Sent: Tuesday, June 02, 2009 4:54 PM
To: Al Capone
Cc: Joe Pesci; Angelina Jolie; Sarah Jessica Parker
Subject: Joe Schmo 212.555-5555

Please call Joe Schmo @ 212-555-5555

---

From:Angelina Jolie
Sent: Tuesday, June 02, 2009 5:05 PM
To: Front Desk
Subject: RE: Joe Schmo 212.555-5555

Did you mean Angela?

---

---

From: Front Desk
Sent: Tuesday, June 02, 2009 5:05 PM
To: Angelina Jolie
Subject: RE: Joe Schmo 212.555-5555

No but thank you.

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I swear, some people are in a world of their own. How does this in any way answer my question? Am I supposed to call this guy? Did Al Capone ask her to include me in this email? She gets the WTF award of the day :)

Why Salons Suck by M. Ziskin

What is going on with the Asian nail salons in New York City? I have dealt with this issue at least FOUR times in the past year! You want a french pedicure (which is usually pink with a white line on top) and end up looking like you have no polish on because they use a light pink and make sure they rub ALL excess off the brush before applying.

I went to get a french pedicure after work yesterday at a place called Iris. I sat down and the woman did not offer to turn on the massage chair. So I turned it on myself. Another woman was reading magazines, I was never offered ONE.

When it came time to put the polish on, she put a light pink that looked clear and then the white strips over it. Frustrated, I spoke up. She said "oh you want darker, OK". She went to get something that looked to be the same color, showed me and I said "NO". She said "OK you pick"..so I found a decent *pink* color. She said.."this too dark, not gonna look good"..she actually said that! So then what does she do? Paints a thin layer over what she already did, so the white strips still show through only now are pink. I actually said "are you serious"? She said "I told you not looks good". I really felt like I was on Candid Camera or Howie Do It. I told her to please put the pink polish on first THEN the white over it. She said "Ohhh, you want American French, what I do is European French most people want it". UH, last time I checked, this is AMERICA.

Finally she was done, it wasn't even what I wanted but it was way better than a clear looking nail with white strips on them...which looks horribly cheesy to me, like someone was too lazy to paint their nails but tried to jazz em up by putting white strips on em. She then ushered me to the drying station, and while I was watching all the other patrons get mini back massages while their nails dried, no one offered me once. I paid her, and blatantly did not leave a tip.

Hair salons are doing this too. You go in with a picture of what you want, and they give you something totally different. I once asked for a blowout curled at the ends, and the woman proceeded to use a curling iron....Excuse me, for under $20, I can fuck up my own hair and nails. These salons are not hiring professionals anymore, they are hiring people willing to work for peanuts who have no training whatsoever.

Total Recall

We have all experienced it. After spending umpteen dollars, we FINALLY find "IT"...the perfect product. We are so elated, we continue to buy said product, even when the price goes up. It is THAT good. All of a sudden, its a bit harder to find. Then you can't find it in ANY store. Frantic, you search feverishly online. You find a store that sells it for 10 bucks more. Whatever- You buy anywhere from 10-50 of the darn thing. Then after your 50 have run out...when the iStore no longer carries it does it hit you....this item has been discontinued. You have been had.

Over the years, I have had favorite shampoos, brands, lipsticks, concealers and lotions discontinued. This is definitely a ploy by corporations to get us to spend more money. Think about it, why are there so many crappy items out there that never go away even though everyone and their grandmother hates them? Because this is how they hook you. Put out a nice, sweet product that you will fall in love with- then, without warning, viciously pull it from store shelves-and your life. You try loads of other stuff trying to find a product even similar to the one they recalled. Alas, you have just spent $300 in the course of 3 months trying to find a decent product. The producers/manufacturers are elated, knowing they are duping the consumer and making money.

I am writing this because i have HAD it. I have wasted time, money and energy trying to figure out how to replace recalled products. No one ever even gives us any notice.

My advice, when you find a product you love, buy as much as you can. Spend hundreds now, so you don't have to waste money on products you will not like/use.

Lost in Translation

So the Dunkin Donuts on 28th and Madison HAS to be one of the worst. I went in today with my coworker because they had a huge sign that read " Small Iced Coffee $0.50 plus tax, all day April 21, 2009. I wait on an excruciatingly long line, and order my coffee. Here is how it went.

Me: Hi can I have a small iced coffee with skim milk and splenda?

Indian female DD Employee: How many splenda you want? (doesn't wait for answer calls out "small iced coffee, ONE splenda)

Me: TWO splendas.

DD Employee: TWO splenda?

Me: Yes.

DD Employee: (something in another language- hindi?) "TWO splenda"

DD Employee: $2.49.

Me: (confused look on face)...the sign says 50 cents.

DD Employee: Oh, OK..54 cents.

SO the coffee was horrible and watered down. Perhaps I would have been better off with the $2.49 version?

On another note, Hub and I went to a DD in Times Square. Hub ordered bagels and requested they be toasted.

Hub: 2 whole wheat bagels, toasted.

Indian male DD Employee: Oh, the toaster is out of order.

Hub: So its broken.

DD Employee: It not broken, just out of order.

Hub: Isn't that the same thing?

DD Employee: Its not broken, broken you cannot fix..its out of order. We can heat in the microwave.

Hub: Great.

And you thought your computer had issues!

I was searching the internet for a troubleshooting issue and came across this article on the Microsoft support website:

"Computer Randomly Plays Classical Music"

>

During normal operation or in Safe mode, your computer may play "Fur Elise" or "It's a Small, Small World" seemingly at random. This is an indication sent to the PC speaker from the computer's BIOS that the CPU fan is failing or has failed, or that the power supply voltages have drifted out of tolerance. This is a design feature of a detection circuit and system BIOSes developed by Award/Unicore from 1997 on.

Although these symptoms may appear to be virus-like, they are the result of an electronic hardware monitoring component of the motherboard and BIOS. You may want to have your computer checked or serviced.

LOL..so the computer played classical music upon the death of the CPU?

What are we doing wrong?

Doesn't anyone work anymore?? This is what I have wondered for some time now. When my coworker and I get coffee and walk around the City, there are people everywhere! We accounted for the retirees, the rich upper east side housewives, the stay at home moms, the vagrants, students, the disabled, nannies, part-timers, night workers and those who may have just taken a day off. But there are still a lot of people left. "What are we doing wrong?" we often wonder. "Look at that guy-what the hell does he do!", my coworker will often exclaim. I want to be like these people and be able to walk around the City all day, strolling about with my Starbucks cup and window shopping without a care in the world. You might think that people look at us and say the same thing. But we are not wearing jeans and are usually walking in a determined pace. Not so with the non-workers. I go to the library in the middle of the day and there are people just sitting down, reading at their own leisure. There are people in Starbucks who look like they've been there for hours.

We go to work everyday while THEY are out enjoying each day. What are we doing wrong? How can we be like them?

Must Love Nuts

OK there is a new funny infomercial contender- This is the guy that used to do the Sham Wow infomercials. I don't know why him and Billy Mays (the Oxiclean guy) feel the need to scream their point across. They aren't selling hearing aides.


If you haven't seen this, please pay attention at 0:36.

This is also a great one with Tom Cruise (with a "K")

She shoulda beat him with her umbrella..brella..brella

Recently, I was in Target with my step daughter and there was a People magazine near the checkout counter. She asked me if that was Michelle Obama on the cover. Indeed, it was, with her hair up. She said "I hope she didn't cut her hair short like Rhianna". "I don't like Rhianna anymore". When I asked why she replied, "because she made Chris Brown go to jail". LOL! So I explained that while no one knows the truth, CB may have beat her up, and that NO woman deserves to be treated like that no matter what- even if she was mean! Then she said "yeah, but he got her an iPod". LOL.

While I do feel bad for what happened to Rhianna, she needs to realize she is setting a very bad example for young girls.

Time Time Time

Now that I am in my third decade on Earth, time seems to be speeding up. Things that happened 3 years ago feel like they were only last year. Christmases come and Christmases go. Every day its almost the same routine (only with a different outfit). Of course there are also wonderful things like my wedding and honeymoon, vacations and special or fun moments with family and friends and feelings of accomplishment.

When I was young, one year seemed to take forever to go by. Maybe I should quit my job and go to college again..I wonder if time would slow down? I am just afraid that in the blink of an eye, I will wake up and be 70. I haven't even accepted being middle aged yet! With time speeding up, everything becomes important. In your 20's, it feels as if you have years and years to think about these life changes. There is no rush, people will even tell you to "take your time, enjoy life first". But suddenly, when you are in your 30's, the decisions need to be made now. Very bad for someone who has a hard time making decisions. What if I am 40 and am still struggling with these same questions? This, coupled with the aging process, makes it even more difficult. Especially when you still feel young.

I have a great husband, step-daughter, family, friends, a stable job, fun coworkers, an apartment in a decent neighborhood...but I wish time would slow down. I want all the special moments to really last. I want to go on vacation for a week and have it feel like a month. I want actual time to think about major decisions. Maybe everything is more "rushed" as we get older. We aren't spending as much time with our friends, because most of us are married and have children and full time jobs, sometimes its hard for us to even make an appointment for ourselves because our lives are so harried. We are always rushing from one thing to the next, getting ready for work, staying late at work, making dinner, caring for kids, packing stuff up, checking emails, making phone calls, doing research...maybe time seems to be passing us by at the speed of light because we need to slow down.

*I did not mean to give off a pessimistic vibe here, this is just something that has been on my mind for awhile as I am struggling to make some changes in my own life. Hopefully by publishing this post, I will cure my "blogger's block".

What happened to the old Chun-Li?

After playing and mastering a lot of moves in "Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Comics", we sold the game and bought "Street Fighter IV". I used to spend hours as a kid in pizzerias and arcades playing Street Fighter. I always won using Chun-Li, she had kick-ass moves, even against Ryu or E. Honda. I was thrilled to be able to play as Chun-Li once again on my PS3. I was really disappointed that her moves are no longer consistent, she is swift but lacks control and her moves overall are not as rough as they used to be. I was also reading that she has one of the hardest challenge modes in the game. I thought maybe it was because I didn't have her moves down yet, that I had to get used to playing the game a bit more, but I have played using the other characters and their moves are a lot more potent. They also had to "slut her up", her unlockable outfits make her look like a street walker, not a street fighter.

And Kristin Kreuk playing her in the movie? Give me a break. The actress is only half Chinese and thats what she looks like. Chun-Li, is from China and even has an accent. Too bad they have ruined the best female fighter of the video arcade days.

Cleaning up the neighborhood

So St. John's Hospital recently closed. I feel bad for all the people who were receiving care there as a convenience and now have to go elsewhere, but I am so glad that we are rid of of this vile institution. My mother was also treated horribly there years ago. Hub DRAGGED me here last year for treatment.

They threw everyone in the emergency room, even those like me who weren't "emergency" patients and told us we were lucky to have a bed! Then they moved me into a holding area, the hallway. The whole time, no one, not the nurses, physician assistants or other staff knew what the HELL was going on. 15 people told me not to eat for 2 days so I followed their order- I had to tell the people delivering lunch to give my food away. Then it turns out - Oops I could have eaten because my surgery wouldn't be till a weekday. They told me that Sunday night, and after 2 days of not eating your appetite is pretty much gone.

Lets see, what else. There were 4 people to a room, and I shit you not a nurse came in to take my temp and blood pressure every 15 godamned minutes! Talk about a waste of resources. If I were in intensive care, I would see no problem with this. Some young punk nurse came in and asked if he could give me a breast and anal exam. I asked if it was necessary, it wasn't and I sent him on his way. Also once a day I had to answer questions about how I was feeling, and Sunday they sent some crazy priest in to talk to all the patients. He basically looked at me like I was Satan when I said I wasn't religious. I didn't know I had to be to receive proper care!

When I asked repeatedly who my Dr. would be, if I was having surgery, how long I had to stay there, no one knew anything. Yet they were looking at a chart and writing stuff down! One PA actually said "you will remain here until you get better". Oh yes, that's EXACTLY the answer someone wants to hear a month before their wedding. A nurse yelled at me because I was walking in the hall with my own socks and not hospital socks.

HMMM then there were the anesthesiologist students! They had no idea what they were doing, poked and prodded me to stick a simple IV in, one pumped air through me and I thought I would pass out. And try to get an actual nurse to do it? Finally one HAD to because my Dr. was frustrated and asked them what the hold up was. And she was a peach, looked at my chart and said "hmmph, your anemic" and walked away.

They should just demolish the building and call it a day. The mall is right across the street, so a nice row of shops would be wonderful.

MTA needs to care more about safety

This is a picture I took of the Grand Avenue train station on my way to work this morning. The snow has not been cleared off the entry or steps at ALL. The last time we had a snowstorm, a couple of ladies and myself almost fell going up the stairs. The snow from the morning had turned into a sheet of ice. Luckily, one grabbed my arm and we held onto each other. What about the elderly and disabled who already have trouble walking? This is ridiculous, can't the MTA spare a worker to shovel? Or would they just rather be sued?

Two of my favorite infomercials

According to all the infomercials I have seen, I can have acne free skin in 2 days, learn to play the piano overnight, get paid TONS of money for placing tiny classified ads, wear makeup but have it look as if I am not wearing any, cook 10 rotisserie chickens all at once, workout for 10 minutes a day and have rock hard abs, take out any stain- even grape juice or detox by placing a pad on my foot. The best one I Have seen recently was for The Jack LaLane Power Juicer. "The power juicer changed my life" one actor reported. They couldn't even get any decent celebrities, besides Shar Jackson, K-Fed's baby mama. Ummm I have a blender. And a Cuisinart.

Please check out my two favorite infomercials of all time. Amazingly, these are real products. The first one is for a facial mask with Linda Evans, the second one is for something called the facial flex. I am seriously thinking of getting one or both of these for Halloween.

To catch a theif.....

My hub got a free subscription to The Wall Street Journal with something he bought last year. However someone has been STEALING it- I only got it once this whole week! I have been reading it on my commute to and from work. Usually it is in the vestibule, other times near the mailboxes. We called The Wall St. Journal to tell them of our dilemma and according to representatives from the newspaper, they cannot put labels on due to security reasons. Nice. However they told us that besides us, one other person has a subscription in our building. Normally there are two papers in the morning.

So I made a sign yesterday morning and hung it in the lobby. It said "Please stop taking The Wall St. Journal that does not belong to you". Lo and behold, last night I came home, and my sign was gone! WTF! People are always leaving notes about their mail or Fed-EX packages, not to mention hub told the porter that it was my sign and not to remove it. So I hung one up AGAIN last night and this time added to it " Your neighbor pays for this paper, it is not free for anyone to take!". So this morning, my sign was still there and again NO NEWSPAPER! Am I going to have to make the sign in all different languages too because apparently, the person who stole my paper after reading the sign (in 36 pt. font) does not speak english!

Of course besides a tenant, the super could always be disposing of it when he mops the floors. I know for a fact it was delivered, becasue hub went down in the morning at 7AM, it was there. When I went down at 830 it was already gone.

So to my ignorant neighbor, please be prepared for me to catch you on Monday. I am willing to hang out in the lobby to see if you will still take it while I am sitting there. And if you are lucky, I will deposit it in the incinerator on my floor in the evening. If you really want to read a free newspaper, you can grab a Metro near the train station (like I was forced to do today) or read my day old paper.

Update:

So my neighbor left his phone number on my sign. Hub called the WSJ this morning again about the issue, they said now we are the only ones who should be getting a paper. so I called my neighbor and was explaining to which his response was "it's mine it's mine!". He claimed he also called the WSJ and they confirmed his account. Then he said "lets do a conference call with them", and I agreed. Hub and him were on the phone with the WSJ, apparantly his account had been suspended and will resume on Tuesday. Hopefully this has been resolved and we will have our paper on Monday.

Are we Humans? Or are we Bicyclists?

Did the bicyclists of NYC take some sort of oath that says you are neither a human nor a vehicle? As a pedestrian waiting to cross the street, I see you whiz by with the cars and trucks. But then as I cross and have the right of way, you also are zooming down the street sometimes honking a horn or shouting obscenities at those of us who are in your way.

Please ride with the cars, and if you don't feel secure enough to do that, leave the bikes at home and walk. Riding on the sidewalk is not OK either.

* Title inspired by The Killers hit song-what can I say, when your hub listens to something enough, it sticks in your head.

Celebs in the City

I have lived in NY all my life, so it would be weird if I did not meet/see some celebrities along the way.

James Brown:
I saw him when I was 16 outside the Plaza Hotel. There was a huge crowd, so my friend and I rushed over to see what the hype was all about. Someone shouted "It's Tom Cruise", and my friend practically ran everyone over. It was not 1/2 of future TomKat, but The Godfather of Soul himself. He was entering his white stretch limo, wearing a glittery, purple suit. "Who the man" he asked, and then he said he loved us all and blew kisses. My friend got a pic of the back of his head. He really appreciated his fans.

Mr. Cheeks (The Lost Boyz):
I was near The Colosseum in Jamaica, walking towards Jamaica Ave. Some random guy was asking for my number, and he kept running into people, so I wasn't really paying attention. All of a sudden his "friend" said "Shorty you know who I am"? I was like "Yes!" Then Mr. Cheeks asked the guy if I was his "shorty", and told me peace out. I had a bit of trouble recognizing him, he is pretty fugly in person.

Baby Gerry of Full Force/Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam:
I was with my friend Nadia Ali *see next listing* in Forest Hills. We were walking around, deciding what movie to see. A car passes by and Nadia just decides to wave. They come over. I was a bit apprehensive as they pulled over- we didn't know these guys! Unbeknown to us, it was Gerry and Shy, from Full Force AKA the "Cult Jam" part of Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam. Although their studio was in Brooklyn, they were living in Queens, in Lefrak City with Shy's mom. We became really good friends and hung out a lot of times. There are even pictures of us someplace! We eventually lost touch when I moved.

Nadia Ali:
Nadia Ali was (one of my) best friends. She was 2 years younger than me, but we really clicked. We hung out all the time, and had a blast together going clubbing, watching movies, you name it. She was always singing and loved R&B songs. When I was about 20 or 21, she got a job at Versace. This was around the time we lost touch, we were both working, had boyfriends, and she got insulted when I didn't go to a barbecue her family was having. She got discovered at Versace, and the rest is history. She has the hit single "rapture". I wish her all the best! I never knew she was so talented, but she sounds amazing! Can't believe she is the same girl I went to Francis Lewis High School with! Go Hazel!

Phil Donahue:
My friend and I attended one of the last tapings of his show. He had the cast of "Frasier" on, minus the guy that plays Niles. Even Eddie the dog was there. After the show, Phil personally shook everyones hands, and thanked us for coming to the taping.

Kelsey Grammer:
While the rest of the cast ran outta there, Kelsey stuck around and shook everyones hand. He apologized for not giving out autographs, as he had another taping to attend right after this one.

Ghostface Killah:
I was walking on 34th and Broadway, and all of a sudden see Ghostface, walking with his crew. He was high as a kite. I knew it was him from his trademark thin beard and unique voice. He turned to his friends and said "I'm hungry..what are we gonna eat? I want some Indian food". Then they went into McDonald's! And he just sat right by the window where everyone was!

DJ Polo:
Dj Polo used to hang out at 78th Street Park in Jackson Heights, AKA Travers Park or (sorry Hub- the REAL 78th Street park). He would hang out by the handball courts, where I hung out, and occasionally by the B ball courts.

Crazy Sam (Video Music Box):
IDK where Crazy lived exactly, but when we would hang out on 74th Street(J. Heights), we would see him walking from the train station, walking towards 37th Avenue. We would all say Whats up to him, and he would smile and say whats up! back to us.

Madonna:
I was hanging out the day of the MTV Music awards with a friend, her friend came along and said he knew where Madonna lived, it was Midtown, somewhere on the West side. We waited, and before long some other people joined us. In an hour there were about 35 people. She came out of her apartment with her assistant, everyone shouted "Madonna!" She just covered her face with her hands and ran off to her car. She didn't even LOOK at anyone. I know we were basically stalking her, but she could have at least smiled.

Cynthia Nixon:
Recently, my coworker and I were on a coffee break. We were crossing 32nd and Park Avenue, and she said "Look, that's Cynthia Nixon". I looked and sure enough it was! I would have asked for her autograph, but she was with a group of people. She looked rather plain, which is surprising, and she was wearing a HUGE hat, I am sure so people wouldn't recognize her. She looked as if she was just hanging with her friends.

John Leguizamo, Carson Daly, Peter Boyle, Walt Clyde Frasier:
My coworker and I went to a Knicks game, since our Execs have courtside seats and couldn't use them one day. We were in the front center, Walt Frasier was sitting right in front of us. My coworker was fascinated, I had no idea who the guy was. I was thrilled to see in the left front row (what I call the celebrity section), John Leguizamo with his wife (he is REALLY short and ULTRA skinny in person), Carson Daly (before he was anorexic- he looked much better then), Peter Boyle and even the little annoying creepy-looking curly haired girl from the Pepsi commercials. I kept trying to get up to get their autographs, but there was a ramp separating the 2 sections, and everytime I tried they would already be gone. Only some lucky teenage girls got a chance because they were in the same section.

Sanjay Kumar (Former CEO of Computer Associates, Part owner of the Islanders):
Some of us from my firm, myself included, went out to dinner with Sanjay, along with a lot of other people. We had dinner at a place called PJ's Steakhouse on the Island. He was very nice, and later we met once again when we went to a benefit where he was being honored at Cipriani. Then they found out he cooked the books, so now he is serving 12 years!! I went to dinner with a Corporate Criminal....how awesome is that?

Additionally:
I saw CeCe Peniston perform at Queens fest in Flushing Meadow Park, Saw Voyce on Bell Boulevard, met some people from Hot 97 in Bang Bang on 82nd St, Saw Conan O'Bryan and Sally Jessie Raphael, met the guy who played "Larry" On Three's Company, and Mr. G. (The weather guy) at my Junior High School, saw one of Liberace's last performances, and saw Marla Maples in a limo.

Office Etiquette 101

Sadly, these pointers are based on my experiences, and people close to me.

* The speakerphone button on your phone is OPTIONAL and usually used when one is holding/attending a conference call. I don't need to hear your personal voicemails and there is no need for everyone to hear our conversation- especially if we are right next door. Really, its not that hard to pick up the receiver.

* Never, under ANY circumstances heat up fish in the microwave. It makes it really bad for those of us who just wanted a cup of coffee and now have to drink one that tastes like salmon.

* Stop looking at porn and then calling me a prude when I complain.

* Do not make comments about people's weight/hair/clothes/makeup/shoes. Gee Brenda, you shouldn't be eating those donuts, or Ned what the hell are those bumps all over your face makes people feel bad and makes you look like an ass. This is not junior high school. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

* Stop ogling the young, female interns. We are not in prison. Go outside, turn on the tv, there are gorgeous women everywhere. There is no need to fall all over yourselves when she simply asks "Can I borrow a pen?".

* Keep your racist comments to yourself. One day a new hire will surprise you because she didn't look like a "insert terrible stereotype here" and will sue the company.

* If you work in a cube next to others, please shower and wear deodorant daily. People can't make phone calls while distracted by your smell.

* If you are going to listen to internet radio, or a cd, please be aware that there are others around you who may not want to hear Katy Perry while they are on a sales call.

* Men, if you are butt ugly, stop telling stories of how you bed 10 different women a week and don't even have to buy them a drink. No one believes you. Unless you hang out in a bar for the blind.

* Please don't bore us all with how great you USED to be. i.e. "before I worked here, I was making 5 grand a week and never had to show up to work" or " I used to be one of the top attorneys in NY". Really? You work in the mail room. What happened?

* If you don't work here anymore, stop showing up every week as if you still do. The majority of us don't care that you are now married, have a new job, bought a house, etc.

* Walking loudly up and down the hall does not make you seem important. Neither does walking with an empty file folder under your arm, unless you actually ARE important.

* Stop saying you are SO busy that you cannot go out to lunch or leave the office before 10pm. Seriously, you have no life.

* Please do not use the bathroom stall as your personal phone booth for 28 minutes. This means I have to WAIT to use the bathroom because YOU are on a personal call.

* When attempting to get my attention, try my name, instead of PSSSST. I am not a cat, so therefore will not respond.

* Also, please NO whistling. Even worse is whistling whole songs! While you have a talent that I clearly do not, it is highly distracting when I just want to finish my spreadsheet.

* Please don't call me to ask me how to cut, copy and paste. And don't act like I am a genius because I can insert a comment in Excel or press CTRL ALT DLT and bring up a list of programs I am running.

* And help desk dept., when I call you to tell you my computer is slow, please don't tell me to run a disc cleanup, delete my cookies/browsing history, clear my cache or do a defrag. I know all of this, I can see how much free space I have. Perhaps I need a new computer. And "new" does not mean one that is sitting in the back room.

* If you have a blackberry, you have one for a reason. Stop leaving it on your desk, it defeats the purpose.

* If you call someone and they are not at their desk you have a few options. You can: leave them a voicemail, send them an email, call back later, leave a note on their desk. Do NOT attempt to call every single person in the office asking if they have seen this person. And do NOT send someone in the bathroom to give them a message. Unless the building is on fire.

* We have many phones here. There is no need to scream for me, and then scream louder when I don't answer.

*When I have a TON of stuff on my desk, and you ask "Are you working on anything right now"...why not just say, "I see you are very busy but I really need this right away".

* If you have ever made coffee and forgot to put the coffee grinds and/or the filter in, you've no idea HOW to MAKE coffee. Please get yours pre-made in a cup from Dunkin Donuts.

* Men, please stop being jealous of us because we can wear sleeveless tops in the summer and still look professional. You would look like a doofus if you wore a sleeveless top. And get over your hatred of flip flops already!

* Do not yell at someone else for being late when YOU forgot your keys and therefore missed a very important conference call.

* Do not stand in front of the fax machine while faxing 28 pages. This will take a very long time.

* Chances are, if your office is in the hallway, your promotion did not go through.

* Do not order 9,000 post it notes in an attempt to get a free video camera.

* If you are going to call in sick please have a valid excuse (or lie). Here are some examples that someone in my place actually used: " I couldn't come to work yesterday because my girlfriend was gonna sell all my shit on the street if I did". "I was not at work because my girlfriend and I had a fight and there were 35! cops in my apartment". "My car got stolen and then it got towed". "I was working on the barges to set up for the fourth of July, I got a splinter in my ass and had to stand up the whole night, so I didn't get any sleep."

* Do not initiate a game of tag in the office. Ever.

* Do not call and say that you have your timesheet with you in Belize and ask to fax it over.

* Do not cry when you find your timesheet that you have not filled out on the bathroom door because I am trying to teach you a lesson.

* If you need to call directory assistance, I will scream if I hear you say "Henry, H as in horse E as in easy, N as in Nancy, R as in Ralph, Y as in yogurt".

* If I have the door to my office closed, do not try to open the door and then knock and say "what are you doing in there?". I wanted privacy, perhaps?

* If your wife is boring, controlling, not that attractive, stupid, lazy, etc. please stop complaining and get a divorce.

* Do not give me work at 5:50. This is the time I like to finish my work, not start it.

* Do not eat all of the candy/snack supply when the person who keeps it goes home. You will then have your chocolate intake rationed.

* Do not wear so much cologne that we know you are in the office by the smell of "Obsession".

* Let me take my coat off and get acclimated before joining a meeting.

* Just because you sit closer to the kitchen then the bathroom does not mean you should brush your teeth in the kitchen.

* Please don't create scientific experiments by leaving black bananas in the fridge.

* If you make six figures, don't whine about how hard you have it, and how you just spent $80,000 in home repairs to someone making $20,000.

* Don't pimp out the women in your office to make your clients happy. It is a different kind of working girl you want for a task like that.

* Do not open my windows because you don't have any and its "too hot". I detest flies. Also, if you come into my room more than 3 times a day to check the weather, I will charge a fee.

* If I am on my hour break, and you only get a half hour break, don't walk by me and say "Hmmph, I wish I had your job!".

* Do not give out the office's 800 number to every single person you know, so that every time the phone rings its for you. You will then be given the phone bill.

* Do not open a personal meal account(and not be able to afford the $2,000 you racked up in one month) in the same place the firm has the corporate account.

* Stop saying "Step into my office" when you don't HAVE an office.

Some additional pointers:

1/2 hr.= 0.50, not 0.30
1/4 hr.= 0.25, not 0.15
3/4 hr.= 0.75, not 0.45

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Train Etiquette 101

* Please do not stand in FRONT of the train doors when people are trying to enter/leave the train. And don't wonder why 5 people just shoved you.

* Please do not reserve a seat for your purse, backpack or shopping bags. They did not pay a fare and those of us who did would actually like to use that seat.

* The train is NOT a place for lessons in makeup application. Get ready at home, or wait until you get to work. Watching you apply your foundation, blush, eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, and set with powder is nothing new to me. Besides, you could poke your eye out!

* You are not a Goddess simply because you have a baby. Stop running over people's feet or yelling at someone if they happen to bump into your gargantuan stroller.

* If you want to preach about God, go to church! There was once a woman on the way to the 6 train proclaiming" Jesus Christ is around the corner". I looked...couldn't find him.

* Most of us are tired. Stop leaning your entire body on a pole. I often put my fists in their back. After this, some people realize they are being ignorant. Some do not.

* If you are in an above ground train, please stop calling people loudly on your cell phone and exclaiming "I'm on the train".

* If you have a large backpack or bag stand STILL or put it on the floor next to you! It takes up too much room and hits me in the face/chest/stomach with every move you make.

* Ladies, if you are wearing a skirt and choose to sit, cross your legs. If you are trying to get a free gynecological exam, this is not the way to do it.

* Men, please stop taking the seat next to me and then spreading your legs. I don't want to feel your bony knee on mine, nor do I think you need that much room.

* If you are extremely large, do not under any circumstances sit in a middle seat. Stand or wait for an aisle seat.

* There is an unspoken rule that the left side of the escalators is for walking. Please do not be the ONLY one to stand on the left side while people are in a hurry to get up or down.

* Tall Europeans and teenage boys: Stop stretching your legs to the pole in front of you therefore creating an obstacle for everyone boarding. I should not have to jump over your leg to get through.

* Please wear deodorant. Especially in the summer.

* Perverts, do not grab our asses in a full car so we turn around and have no idea who the culprit was. Also, please do not take IT out under any circumstances, as witnessed by a friend and I when we were 16. Also, no taking pictures of teenage girls! Aren't there porn sites for sickos like you?

* We are not supposed to eat and drink on the train for a reason. I will switch seats if I see someone standing over me with a Dunkin Donuts coffee cup, I once witnessed a guy spill his coffee all over the floor, he picked up the empty cup and left the mess. Although, the weirdest thing I have seen someone eating on the train was pancakes with syrup. With his HANDS.

* Control your kids! Why is your kid kicking/hitting people? And stop cursing at your kids. You can tell them to be quiet, but please stop asking them to "shut the F up".

* Yes, I realize there are no trash receptacles in the train cars. But stop leaving your chicken buckets, sandwich wrappers and coffee cups all over the seats and floor. Throw your trash in a bag, there are many garbage cans in the station.

* You have an iPod- so does everyone else. You are not responsible for providing entertainment to the entire car.

* This is not the place to sell things. If i need a toy for my child, or batteries, or feel like donating money to your schools basketball team, I don't have to be on a train to do it.

* Just because you sing/breakdance/perform magic/are homeless/tell me your husband has 70 deadly diseases does not mean that I will give you any money. Not to mention you fail to realize you are disrupting people's sleeping/reading/conversations/video games.

* Just because I am short does not mean you can reach over my head to hold the pole. This is extremely uncomfortable.

* Also, if you are tall hold onto the railing up top. Don't hold onto the bottom of the pole and make me stretch my arm out of its socket.

* Do not almost knock a woman over to get a seat she may want and then flirt with her. You will not be given the time of day.

* Do not hold the doors for your friends or try to squeeze in at the last moment when the doors are closing. Your Chanel purse might get stuck, or worse, your hand.

* Stop falling asleep on me. Everyone sleeps on the train, but we do not rest our head on the person next to us or snore loudly. It is a distraction while I am trying to read my interesting book.

* There is no reason you cannot carry tissues with you on your commute. I was once holding onto a railing and got a wad of snot on my hand.

* Just because you read the Times, you do not need to smack 5 people in the face whilst turning pages. Learn how to fold and read, or switch to the Daily News.

* Do not start reading my newspaper/book with me. Get your own.

* If you are over the age of 2, cover your mouth when you cough/sneeze/wheeze. I shouldn't feel the need to wear a hospital mask on the train.

* If you are pregnant or elderly, I have no problem giving my seat up for you. Although it pisses me off when men and people younger than me play ignorant.

* On the other hand, I am not giving your child my seat unless he/she is sick. Your child got on the train for free, so do not glare at me while you stand in font of me expecting me to stand up so your child can sit.

* When on stairs or escalators, please stay to your right. Do not glare at ME when you walk down MY right side and wonder why I am not moving out of your way.

* When you swipe your metrocard, and it says "insufficient fare" that means you have no MONEY on the card. Please head to the nearest vending machine to refill it. DO not stand there confused, speaking another language blocking everyone's entry/exit.