Train Etiquette 101

* Please do not stand in FRONT of the train doors when people are trying to enter/leave the train. And don't wonder why 5 people just shoved you.

* Please do not reserve a seat for your purse, backpack or shopping bags. They did not pay a fare and those of us who did would actually like to use that seat.

* The train is NOT a place for lessons in makeup application. Get ready at home, or wait until you get to work. Watching you apply your foundation, blush, eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, and set with powder is nothing new to me. Besides, you could poke your eye out!

* You are not a Goddess simply because you have a baby. Stop running over people's feet or yelling at someone if they happen to bump into your gargantuan stroller.

* If you want to preach about God, go to church! There was once a woman on the way to the 6 train proclaiming" Jesus Christ is around the corner". I looked...couldn't find him.

* Most of us are tired. Stop leaning your entire body on a pole. I often put my fists in their back. After this, some people realize they are being ignorant. Some do not.

* If you are in an above ground train, please stop calling people loudly on your cell phone and exclaiming "I'm on the train".

* If you have a large backpack or bag stand STILL or put it on the floor next to you! It takes up too much room and hits me in the face/chest/stomach with every move you make.

* Ladies, if you are wearing a skirt and choose to sit, cross your legs. If you are trying to get a free gynecological exam, this is not the way to do it.

* Men, please stop taking the seat next to me and then spreading your legs. I don't want to feel your bony knee on mine, nor do I think you need that much room.

* If you are extremely large, do not under any circumstances sit in a middle seat. Stand or wait for an aisle seat.

* There is an unspoken rule that the left side of the escalators is for walking. Please do not be the ONLY one to stand on the left side while people are in a hurry to get up or down.

* Tall Europeans and teenage boys: Stop stretching your legs to the pole in front of you therefore creating an obstacle for everyone boarding. I should not have to jump over your leg to get through.

* Please wear deodorant. Especially in the summer.

* Perverts, do not grab our asses in a full car so we turn around and have no idea who the culprit was. Also, please do not take IT out under any circumstances, as witnessed by a friend and I when we were 16. Also, no taking pictures of teenage girls! Aren't there porn sites for sickos like you?

* We are not supposed to eat and drink on the train for a reason. I will switch seats if I see someone standing over me with a Dunkin Donuts coffee cup, I once witnessed a guy spill his coffee all over the floor, he picked up the empty cup and left the mess. Although, the weirdest thing I have seen someone eating on the train was pancakes with syrup. With his HANDS.

* Control your kids! Why is your kid kicking/hitting people? And stop cursing at your kids. You can tell them to be quiet, but please stop asking them to "shut the F up".

* Yes, I realize there are no trash receptacles in the train cars. But stop leaving your chicken buckets, sandwich wrappers and coffee cups all over the seats and floor. Throw your trash in a bag, there are many garbage cans in the station.

* You have an iPod- so does everyone else. You are not responsible for providing entertainment to the entire car.

* This is not the place to sell things. If i need a toy for my child, or batteries, or feel like donating money to your schools basketball team, I don't have to be on a train to do it.

* Just because you sing/breakdance/perform magic/are homeless/tell me your husband has 70 deadly diseases does not mean that I will give you any money. Not to mention you fail to realize you are disrupting people's sleeping/reading/conversations/video games.

* Just because I am short does not mean you can reach over my head to hold the pole. This is extremely uncomfortable.

* Also, if you are tall hold onto the railing up top. Don't hold onto the bottom of the pole and make me stretch my arm out of its socket.

* Do not almost knock a woman over to get a seat she may want and then flirt with her. You will not be given the time of day.

* Do not hold the doors for your friends or try to squeeze in at the last moment when the doors are closing. Your Chanel purse might get stuck, or worse, your hand.

* Stop falling asleep on me. Everyone sleeps on the train, but we do not rest our head on the person next to us or snore loudly. It is a distraction while I am trying to read my interesting book.

* There is no reason you cannot carry tissues with you on your commute. I was once holding onto a railing and got a wad of snot on my hand.

* Just because you read the Times, you do not need to smack 5 people in the face whilst turning pages. Learn how to fold and read, or switch to the Daily News.

* Do not start reading my newspaper/book with me. Get your own.

* If you are over the age of 2, cover your mouth when you cough/sneeze/wheeze. I shouldn't feel the need to wear a hospital mask on the train.

* If you are pregnant or elderly, I have no problem giving my seat up for you. Although it pisses me off when men and people younger than me play ignorant.

* On the other hand, I am not giving your child my seat unless he/she is sick. Your child got on the train for free, so do not glare at me while you stand in font of me expecting me to stand up so your child can sit.

* When on stairs or escalators, please stay to your right. Do not glare at ME when you walk down MY right side and wonder why I am not moving out of your way.

* When you swipe your metrocard, and it says "insufficient fare" that means you have no MONEY on the card. Please head to the nearest vending machine to refill it. DO not stand there confused, speaking another language blocking everyone's entry/exit.