Office Etiquette 101

Sadly, these pointers are based on my experiences, and people close to me.

* The speakerphone button on your phone is OPTIONAL and usually used when one is holding/attending a conference call. I don't need to hear your personal voicemails and there is no need for everyone to hear our conversation- especially if we are right next door. Really, its not that hard to pick up the receiver.

* Never, under ANY circumstances heat up fish in the microwave. It makes it really bad for those of us who just wanted a cup of coffee and now have to drink one that tastes like salmon.

* Stop looking at porn and then calling me a prude when I complain.

* Do not make comments about people's weight/hair/clothes/makeup/shoes. Gee Brenda, you shouldn't be eating those donuts, or Ned what the hell are those bumps all over your face makes people feel bad and makes you look like an ass. This is not junior high school. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

* Stop ogling the young, female interns. We are not in prison. Go outside, turn on the tv, there are gorgeous women everywhere. There is no need to fall all over yourselves when she simply asks "Can I borrow a pen?".

* Keep your racist comments to yourself. One day a new hire will surprise you because she didn't look like a "insert terrible stereotype here" and will sue the company.

* If you work in a cube next to others, please shower and wear deodorant daily. People can't make phone calls while distracted by your smell.

* If you are going to listen to internet radio, or a cd, please be aware that there are others around you who may not want to hear Katy Perry while they are on a sales call.

* Men, if you are butt ugly, stop telling stories of how you bed 10 different women a week and don't even have to buy them a drink. No one believes you. Unless you hang out in a bar for the blind.

* Please don't bore us all with how great you USED to be. i.e. "before I worked here, I was making 5 grand a week and never had to show up to work" or " I used to be one of the top attorneys in NY". Really? You work in the mail room. What happened?

* If you don't work here anymore, stop showing up every week as if you still do. The majority of us don't care that you are now married, have a new job, bought a house, etc.

* Walking loudly up and down the hall does not make you seem important. Neither does walking with an empty file folder under your arm, unless you actually ARE important.

* Stop saying you are SO busy that you cannot go out to lunch or leave the office before 10pm. Seriously, you have no life.

* Please do not use the bathroom stall as your personal phone booth for 28 minutes. This means I have to WAIT to use the bathroom because YOU are on a personal call.

* When attempting to get my attention, try my name, instead of PSSSST. I am not a cat, so therefore will not respond.

* Also, please NO whistling. Even worse is whistling whole songs! While you have a talent that I clearly do not, it is highly distracting when I just want to finish my spreadsheet.

* Please don't call me to ask me how to cut, copy and paste. And don't act like I am a genius because I can insert a comment in Excel or press CTRL ALT DLT and bring up a list of programs I am running.

* And help desk dept., when I call you to tell you my computer is slow, please don't tell me to run a disc cleanup, delete my cookies/browsing history, clear my cache or do a defrag. I know all of this, I can see how much free space I have. Perhaps I need a new computer. And "new" does not mean one that is sitting in the back room.

* If you have a blackberry, you have one for a reason. Stop leaving it on your desk, it defeats the purpose.

* If you call someone and they are not at their desk you have a few options. You can: leave them a voicemail, send them an email, call back later, leave a note on their desk. Do NOT attempt to call every single person in the office asking if they have seen this person. And do NOT send someone in the bathroom to give them a message. Unless the building is on fire.

* We have many phones here. There is no need to scream for me, and then scream louder when I don't answer.

*When I have a TON of stuff on my desk, and you ask "Are you working on anything right now"...why not just say, "I see you are very busy but I really need this right away".

* If you have ever made coffee and forgot to put the coffee grinds and/or the filter in, you've no idea HOW to MAKE coffee. Please get yours pre-made in a cup from Dunkin Donuts.

* Men, please stop being jealous of us because we can wear sleeveless tops in the summer and still look professional. You would look like a doofus if you wore a sleeveless top. And get over your hatred of flip flops already!

* Do not yell at someone else for being late when YOU forgot your keys and therefore missed a very important conference call.

* Do not stand in front of the fax machine while faxing 28 pages. This will take a very long time.

* Chances are, if your office is in the hallway, your promotion did not go through.

* Do not order 9,000 post it notes in an attempt to get a free video camera.

* If you are going to call in sick please have a valid excuse (or lie). Here are some examples that someone in my place actually used: " I couldn't come to work yesterday because my girlfriend was gonna sell all my shit on the street if I did". "I was not at work because my girlfriend and I had a fight and there were 35! cops in my apartment". "My car got stolen and then it got towed". "I was working on the barges to set up for the fourth of July, I got a splinter in my ass and had to stand up the whole night, so I didn't get any sleep."

* Do not initiate a game of tag in the office. Ever.

* Do not call and say that you have your timesheet with you in Belize and ask to fax it over.

* Do not cry when you find your timesheet that you have not filled out on the bathroom door because I am trying to teach you a lesson.

* If you need to call directory assistance, I will scream if I hear you say "Henry, H as in horse E as in easy, N as in Nancy, R as in Ralph, Y as in yogurt".

* If I have the door to my office closed, do not try to open the door and then knock and say "what are you doing in there?". I wanted privacy, perhaps?

* If your wife is boring, controlling, not that attractive, stupid, lazy, etc. please stop complaining and get a divorce.

* Do not give me work at 5:50. This is the time I like to finish my work, not start it.

* Do not eat all of the candy/snack supply when the person who keeps it goes home. You will then have your chocolate intake rationed.

* Do not wear so much cologne that we know you are in the office by the smell of "Obsession".

* Let me take my coat off and get acclimated before joining a meeting.

* Just because you sit closer to the kitchen then the bathroom does not mean you should brush your teeth in the kitchen.

* Please don't create scientific experiments by leaving black bananas in the fridge.

* If you make six figures, don't whine about how hard you have it, and how you just spent $80,000 in home repairs to someone making $20,000.

* Don't pimp out the women in your office to make your clients happy. It is a different kind of working girl you want for a task like that.

* Do not open my windows because you don't have any and its "too hot". I detest flies. Also, if you come into my room more than 3 times a day to check the weather, I will charge a fee.

* If I am on my hour break, and you only get a half hour break, don't walk by me and say "Hmmph, I wish I had your job!".

* Do not give out the office's 800 number to every single person you know, so that every time the phone rings its for you. You will then be given the phone bill.

* Do not open a personal meal account(and not be able to afford the $2,000 you racked up in one month) in the same place the firm has the corporate account.

* Stop saying "Step into my office" when you don't HAVE an office.

Some additional pointers:

1/2 hr.= 0.50, not 0.30
1/4 hr.= 0.25, not 0.15
3/4 hr.= 0.75, not 0.45

Word documents end in .doc and cannot be accessed through excel.
Excel docs end in .xls
Adobe docs end in .pdf
Powerpoint docs end in .ppt